All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and t

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.Homer Simpson A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.Thomas Mann

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Bradley's Bromide.

A sheep in sheep's clothingOn Clement Atlee Winston Churchill A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.Mark Twain It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. Dan Quayle. I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Benjamin Franklin

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself

telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. Harry S. Truman. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.Bart Simpson Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.George S. Kaufman

Submitted by John Veloz My girlfriend is cross eyed,I'm going to leave her due to a shitty perspective.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.George Bernard Shaw

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. Rita May Brown. My reputation grows with every failure.Bernard Shaw

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.Woody Allen

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.Marlon Brando Submitted by Jensen HallSquares are scary, but hearts are worth loving

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.Josh Billings

Submitted by Travis Robinson If women run the world men must be the track

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.Lucille Ball

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Woody Allen

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. Desmond Morris.

He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire. Truman Capote on Mick Jagger

Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.Plato An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.Mae West

An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.Woody Allen

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West

When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. Winston Churchill

The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End. Cyril Smith.

I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.Mae West When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could

hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Mark Twain.

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.Mark Twain

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?George Carlin

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed

legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test. You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.Al Capone.

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.Woody Allen

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would

misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.Mitch Hedberg

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Charles Swartz.

I don't know what I would do without Whitelaw. Everyone should have a Willy.Margaret Thatcher.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.Henry A. Kissinger

Submitted by Jason Wahby There are two things that are infinite in this world. The universe and human stupidity, I'm not really sure about the earth.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? George W Bush I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60.Gore Vidal.

Submitted by Debbie ReedsA way to a man's heart is through his

stomach. A way to a woman's heart is to scratch under her bra strap! I don't believe in mathematics.Albert Einstein I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.George W Bush

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another mans, I mean.Mark Twain

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.George Bernard Shaw

I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.Jeffrey Bernard.

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.George Bernard Shaw

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.Bill Cosby

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.Ronald Knox I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.Charles Monroe Schultz

The two most misused words in the entire English vocabulary are love and friendship. A true friend would die for you, so when you start trying to count them on one hand, you don't need any fingers.Larry Flynt

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.Mae West

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Woody Allen

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.Samuel Beckett

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. Stephen Leacock.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.David Brent

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter

The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Ronald Reagan.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.Groucho Marx

Submitted by Louise Percival Friendship is the greatest gift of all - until you fancy the same boy

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.Alfred Hitchcock

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